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He was my best friend. We had known each other for at least five years. At that time, both of us were the most senior Ph. D students in the laboratory.
We started an underground relationship without the knowledge of his girlfriend. It was wrong. Yet it felt like there was no way of getting out of the relationship. Both of us were sinking in quicksand, falling deeply in love with each other.
It wasn’t long before a sense of guilt arose within me. I buried myself in research experiments, trying to evade the shame of being a third party in their relationship. All the while, I struggled between letting him go and grasping on to the covert affair.
In January 2010, I received one of the greatest news in my life. I was awarded a prestigious scientific fellowship to continue with my post-doctorate research at Harvard Medical School. This seemed like an answered prayer for a way out of the relationship. I was scheduled to leave for Harvard one year later.
Five months away from my departure date, I discovered I was pregnant. I was filled with elation. It was a special kind of joy that nothing else in this world could give. Awe filled my heart. I was amazed that God had entrusted a baby to me. Inside me, a brand new life was growing, and I had become a mother!
When I broke the news to him, there was a long moment of silence. Then he said, “I don’t want the baby”. A sharp, searing pain went through my heart when I heard those words. Over the next few days, I tried to change his mind, but he was adamant about not keeping our baby. At one point in time, I felt so desperate. I knelt down at his feet and begged him to keep our baby. As a biology student, I knew full well that life began at conception. I could not bear to live with the immense guilt of ending my baby’s life if I were to go for an abortion.
Yet, it felt like I had no other choice. The father did not want the baby. He insisted that I call a clinic to schedule an appointment for the abortion. He threatened to leave me if I continued with the pregnancy. Fear overwhelmed me. I felt helpless. I did not want my baby to grow up without a father. And I could not tell anyone about the pregnancy as I was not supposed to be in a relationship with him. With little savings, I felt I could not possibly bring up my child alone. If I were to go to America as a pregnant woman, I might lose the prestigious fellowship at Harvard. All these fearful thoughts ran through my mind. Finally, I gave up trying to persuade him and gave in to his insistent demands. I went for the abortion.
Upon waking up from general anaesthesia, all I could think about was that my baby was gone. I am a murderer. A deep sense of worthlessness and shame engulfed me. Guilt crippled me. The loss of my baby deeply pained me to the depths even though I was the one who made the decision to end his life.
Five months later, I left for America. He broke up with me the very next month. The news left me in shock for months. Being in a foreign country all by myself, I felt extremely abandoned. All his empty promises replayed in my mind. He had promised me that he would break up with his girlfriend; that we would get married after I returned home a year later; and that we could have another baby in the future. I could neither eat nor sleep. Depression pursued me relentlessly. My world collapsed.
In my desperation, I turned to God. In between tears and sobs, I told a pastor about my abortion. He brought me to a pregnancy crisis centre that provided post-abortion counselling sessions. I met up with a counsellor on a weekly basis for a period of eight months. New friends at church loved and cared for me unconditionally. As I looked back, that year in America was the turning point in my life where God orchestrated the return of a “prodigal daughter”.
I had often looked back at that point when I felt that my ex-boyfriend had driven me up the wall and left me with no choice but to go for an abortion. “Did I really not have a choice?”, I so often wondered to myself. Now that the overwhelming sense of fear was gone, I could think rationally. I realised I had choices. I could have chosen otherwise. I could have faced the consequences with more courage. Buried deep within me was a fierce, protective mother’s love that would have fought for the life of my little one, had it not been for that crippling fear. I could have walked out of his life. I could have explored options such as giving up my fellowship and finding a job to finance the delivery and to bring up my child. I could have taken the chance and gone to America as a pregnant woman. I could have gone to my family for help. I could have given my child up for adoption. I had choices but I believed I had none then.
Life was filled with shame and secrecy after the abortion. I thought I would carry this secret to my grave. After going through a long journey of healing, I did not want to hide it anymore. The desire to break free from the shackles of shame that were controlling my life was stronger than the fear of how family and friends would think of me.
In 2018, after much prayer and consideration, I emailed my sisters to tell them all that I had gone through. My sisters were both residing in different countries at that time. When I pressed the “sent” button, my heart almost leapt out of my mouth. I had intentionally sent the email at midnight knowing that they would be sound asleep. It was one of the longest nights of my life.
The next morning, I received a reply from my second sister. She was sorry for what had happened and apologised for not being there for me. My eldest sister texted me, assuring me that no matter what had happened, she would always love me. I broke down and cried so hard. Those words meant so much to me.
Finally, a heavy burden was lifted off my shoulders and I felt so relieved and released.
I finally realised, after so many years, that the fear of judgement and condemnation from family and friends was just a lie that I kept replaying in my head.
This is me overcoming my fears to share my story publicly. And I hope that my story will encourage and inspire others who are going through the same pain to seek help.
There can be life after abortion.
"Through my own abortion experience I have come to realise many women feel the same—that it can be difficult to gain any sense of closure. There is no grave to visit, no tangible way of remembering. Until now.” - Marina Young, Founder, Buttons Project
A Way to Remember, to Grieve and to Love
Buttons Virtual Memorial Wall
Buttons Project collects buttons to commemorate the babies we have never met due to abortion. To enable anyone affected by abortion—not only women, but fathers, grandparents, siblings, “to do something when there is nothing you can do.” Together, we create a memorial to remember, to grieve and to love.
For some, it will be a way of simply remembering, for others a step on the journey of healing. Some buttons come with stories, some don't—and they will be displayed on our virtual memorial wall.
Journeying Together On A Path of Healing and Restoration
Online Support Group and Healing Programs
It can feel lonely and scary when we go through the pain of abortion on our own. Sometimes, we do not know how to tell people about our pain. Sometimes, we don't understand what we are going through and we do not know where to seek help. This online support group creates a safe space for women suffering after abortion to come, to be heard, to be understood and to journey together on this path of healing and restoration.

Marina Young
New Zealand
Having been through an abortion, and walked through the long road to grace and forgiveness, she founded Buttons Project in 2008 with the hope of helping others who have been through a similar experience. You can read more about her story here.
June Bai
Singapore
Seeing the thousands of buttons Marina received over the years made me realise that there are many out there who have been through the same loss and grief as I did. “If only Buttons Project were in Singapore during my darkest days, when I was suffering in silence all alone, it would have helped and comforted me a lot”, I thought to myself. You may read more about her story here.
It is our hopes that by taking our support group online, women who are suffering in silence due to abortion wherever they may be can receive timely help and support.


Welcome to our online support group. Thank you for being brave.
This is a safe space where women who have been through the pain of abortion come together to support one another.
This is my story. I hope it will encourage you.
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If abortion is part of your story, we would love to support you in your healing journey. Do sign up to be a part of this online support group. You are not alone in your pain. We are here for you.Â
This is a safe space where women who have been through the pain of abortion come together to support one another.
This is my story. I hope it will encourage you.
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If abortion is part of your story, we would love to support you in your healing journey. Do sign up to be a part of this online support group. You are not alone in your pain. We are here for you.Â
In order to keep this a safe and healthy environment for women to find support and healing, please adhere to the guidelines below.
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1.   Be Kind
We are in this together to create a safe and non-judgemental space. Be kind for everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
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2.   Use Welcoming Language
We would love for you to be welcoming towards everyone who join this space. Bullying of any kind is not allowed, and degrading comments will not be tolerated.Â
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3.   Be Respectful
Respect everyone’s privacy, and do not ask for their private or personal information. Be respectful of other people’s viewpoints, even if they differ from yours.
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4.   Never Give Away Your Private Information
We will never ask for your private information, such as your bank details. All communication with mentors and other women in the support group is to be kept strictly within this online platform. As such, we will not ask for your personal contact details apart from the sign- up form.
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5.   Not More Than 2 Posts A Day
You are free to post topics within the support group spaces per the topic of discussion. However, please keep to a maximum of 2 separate posts a day as you share openly how you are doing.Â
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6.   ContentÂ
Please do not post or link content anything that is sexually explicit, that violates copyright or intellectual property rights of others, threatens or harass others and any advertisements or solicitations.Â
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Members will be asked to stop any inappropriate or unacceptable behaviour, and are expected to comply with Buttons Project requests immediately. Failure to comply will result in removal from this community.Â
When I was younger, finding love was always what I sought. I thought that came in the form of a life partner, someone to complete me. I bought into the whole spiel of true love conquers all. Love to me meant being happy with someone forever. I met someone where it almost felt like love at 19. A was funny, down to earth and seemed to genuinely care for me. We had the same sense of sarcastic humor and he used to surprise me in the most thoughtful, simple, little gestures. We spent a lot of time doing what teenagers loved. Hanging out in town, watching movies, going window shopping, spending so much time together and eventually exploring each other. No surprises then, I got pregnant.Â
I was in denial for weeks, suspecting but not really believing it. Looking and pressing against my stomach daily, worrying and wondering. Eventually I picked up the courage to buy a pregnancy test kit. I remembered peeing on the stick and waiting for the results in the cubicle nervously. Staring at the faint line that was starting to appear, wondering if any of this was even accurate, reading and re-reading the instructions. Still hoping that this was all just a dream. I scheduled a visit to a gynecologist who confirmed I was 8 to 10 weeks pregnant. What happened next was a bit of a haze. But a single minded purpose that knew, I could not keep this baby. I somehow knew I could not, would not live the life of settling down with A, no matter how much this almost seemed like love. I could not bear the thought of going through the pregnancy to give up my baby for adoption. It was the fear of shame, disappointment and anger that I knew my parents would not have been able to take. The only decision to make was clear to me. I decided to go ahead with the abortion.
A was with me on the scheduled day. It was a relatively quick procedure. I remember being on the operating table as I was injected with anesthetics. And the next moment when I woke up, I was lying down in the resting area. The feeling of discomfort at the lower part of my abdomen was the only reminder of what had transpired. I did not anticipate the overwhelming sense of loss and guilt. While I was relieved that I was no longer pregnant, the realization of what I had done also hit me in full force. I felt guilty for feeling relieved, for being alive, for making a decision that took a life, a living being that was in me. I took a life and I just could not forgive myself. I was damned.
After awhile, something changed between A and me. Depression evolved and I started resenting him, and I started pushing him away. Maybe I knew there was no happy ending for us anyway, so what was the whole point of it all. We were constantly fighting over nothing, and eventually we parted. After some time we reconnected and became friends, keeping in touch off and on over the years. He had settled down with a family of his own. It still took me by surprise some years back when I saw the photos of his first child. There was this unfamiliar ache I felt, a strange pang that wondered, could this have been us? Does he think about the past, and the abortion? Does he feel any guilt too? And why does he get the happy life package with his perfect wife and perfect children?
It has been 21 years since I made the decision that I could never take back. I have realized since then, that every woman who has had to make this hard decision, has always lived with a deep sense of pain, sadness and guilt. For the longest time, I felt that I didn’t deserve any sort of happy ending, I did not deserve to be loved. I lost myself and my self-worth when I went through a series of unfortunate experiences and failed relationships over the years that went by. I hit a new level of low when I went through a divorce at the age of 34 as well. No one gets married with the intention for it to fail, but my marriage failed so spectacularly.Â
With all the dreams and plans crashing down, I turned to spiritual comfort. Attending the Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults (RCIA) introduced me to the Catholic faith and re-booted my relationship with God. It was the turning point in my life as I learnt how God loves and forgives us, whether we even believe it or not. It was at RCIA that my healing began.Â
Accepting that God forgives our mistakes was the first step. The harder thing for me to do was to forgive myself. To forgive myself for the mistakes I have done, just as God has forgiven me. How could I forgive myself when I am so undeserving? But yet God has forgiven and still loves me despite my imperfections. I am certainly not greater than God, and yet holding onto this unforgiveness, seemed to imply that I was. Forgiving myself meant that I accept my past transgressions and release the resentment, sadness and anger that I held on for myself. Forgive, and that paves the way for repentance and reconciliation.
Over the years God has revealed His love, lessons and healing for me, through people He has brought into my life. And that’s how I came across the Buttons Project and connected with June. Hearing about her healing programme made me realize, since I’ve actually never gone for inner healing for the abortion before, perhaps this was something I needed to go through. I was brought back to basics in the healing journey, with God our loving Father as the central focus to ground the process. Part of the process also involved repentance and forgiveness. Forgiving myself once again, releasing the negative emotions that were blocking me from God was a continual process. Bit by bit, June walked through the whole process with me until I could finally see what God wanted to show me- His throne, and where I was to be seated, alongside Him.Â
With all that spring cleaning done, my heart now had the space to comprehend that my child was real, and was now with Jesus. God planned a purpose for my child too, and since he could not serve out his purpose, I would take on his purpose to merge and shape it with my life. This was my new beginning.
I have learnt to trust God. He and I have a better relationship now, with Jesus my reliable friend and the Holy Spirit like an inner compass, leading and navigating my life. I have written about my experiences to share my healing journey on http://teresaajourney.wordpress.com. I hope my story encourages you to move forward with your own healing and recovery journey.
In Heart to Heart Episode 1, hear from two of my friends and I as we share honestly about our abortion experience and our road to recovery from pain and shame.
May this video give you the courage to believe that one day, you too, can walk out of the pain and to dream again. Would love to hear your comments about our sharing. Please leave your comment below!
May this video give you the courage to believe that one day, you too, can walk out of the pain and to dream again. Would love to hear your comments about our sharing. Please leave your comment below!
Below is a video that shows you how to navigate through our online community platform.
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1. Safe space
This is a safe space for women who are hurting after abortion. We encourage authenticity. You are allowed to grieve and share your innermost thoughts and emotions. There is no judgement and condemnation.
2. Anonymity
You may remain anonymous. It will be great if you let us know which country you are from (You may add this under your profile). We believe that women from different nations and cultures have some things in common - pain, love and compassion.
3. Support Group
Our support group is meant to bring together members of the community to support one another. The mentors in our groups are volunteers and they may not be professionally certified as counsellors. This support group is not a substitute for professional counselling. We encourage you to see a professional counsellor if in need. If you feel you may be at immediate risk of harming yourself, please reach out to your local emergency services helpline.
Our support groups can be found under 'Supporting You'. The groups will be made available to you after you have signed up for an account. We will send you some questions after you have signed up. This will help us to better understand and support you.
4. Non-faith- based Community Support
This is a non-faith-based support community. Any woman who is hurting after abortion, regardless of her religion, may join us in this community. We do not impose any of our religious views on anyone here, and please do likewise. You may, however, share about how your religion has helped you in your journey if it is an integral part of your life.
5. Faith-based Healing Program
On the other hand, our 'Healing After Abortion' program is based on biblical principles. There are bible references as well as prayers involved. This is a paid program, which will only be made available to those who have signed up when slots open. If you are not a Christian but would love to join our program, we would love to have you with us.
6. Comment Box
You may drop other women a note of encouragement by commenting on their posts. If their posts echo your thoughts and emotions, feel free to comment on their posts too. This is how we can support one another.
7. Mentors
There are mentors who are specially hand-picked by the Buttons Project team to be a part of this community. They may be women who have been through abortion and have found healing, or simply men and women who are wise and mature.Â
All of us need mentors in life. Mentors who are able to empathise with us. Mentors who love us enough to drop notes of encouragement and give us practical advice when we need one. Sometimes, we need someone to point out areas in our lives where we need to grow in or point us in the right direction so that we can become a better version of ourselves.
Open your heart to hear what these mentors share in this community. You will be able to identify them by their tags. They may not have met you in person, but be rest assured that they love you and they have your best interest at heart.
8. Guidelines
As with all safe spaces, there are guidelines we need to adhere to in order to keep this space safe for this community. Please read the guidelines in the next section for more information.Â
This is a safe space for women who are hurting after abortion. We encourage authenticity. You are allowed to grieve and share your innermost thoughts and emotions. There is no judgement and condemnation.
2. Anonymity
You may remain anonymous. It will be great if you let us know which country you are from (You may add this under your profile). We believe that women from different nations and cultures have some things in common - pain, love and compassion.
3. Support Group
Our support group is meant to bring together members of the community to support one another. The mentors in our groups are volunteers and they may not be professionally certified as counsellors. This support group is not a substitute for professional counselling. We encourage you to see a professional counsellor if in need. If you feel you may be at immediate risk of harming yourself, please reach out to your local emergency services helpline.
Our support groups can be found under 'Supporting You'. The groups will be made available to you after you have signed up for an account. We will send you some questions after you have signed up. This will help us to better understand and support you.
4. Non-faith- based Community Support
This is a non-faith-based support community. Any woman who is hurting after abortion, regardless of her religion, may join us in this community. We do not impose any of our religious views on anyone here, and please do likewise. You may, however, share about how your religion has helped you in your journey if it is an integral part of your life.
5. Faith-based Healing Program
On the other hand, our 'Healing After Abortion' program is based on biblical principles. There are bible references as well as prayers involved. This is a paid program, which will only be made available to those who have signed up when slots open. If you are not a Christian but would love to join our program, we would love to have you with us.
6. Comment Box
You may drop other women a note of encouragement by commenting on their posts. If their posts echo your thoughts and emotions, feel free to comment on their posts too. This is how we can support one another.
7. Mentors
There are mentors who are specially hand-picked by the Buttons Project team to be a part of this community. They may be women who have been through abortion and have found healing, or simply men and women who are wise and mature.Â
All of us need mentors in life. Mentors who are able to empathise with us. Mentors who love us enough to drop notes of encouragement and give us practical advice when we need one. Sometimes, we need someone to point out areas in our lives where we need to grow in or point us in the right direction so that we can become a better version of ourselves.
Open your heart to hear what these mentors share in this community. You will be able to identify them by their tags. They may not have met you in person, but be rest assured that they love you and they have your best interest at heart.
8. Guidelines
As with all safe spaces, there are guidelines we need to adhere to in order to keep this space safe for this community. Please read the guidelines in the next section for more information.Â
I had a dream.
I thought the dream I had held on to all my life was going to be fulfilled in a matter of time.
All I wanted was to settle down, build a family and be the best mother I can ever be to my kids. Carry them in my arms, watch them grow up and be there for them.
I had built this dream upon a man. The relationship was stable and we were doing okay financially. I thought he was the man I was going to marry. That gave me enough excuses to do one thing that led to another.
The wake-up call came one day after I had missed my period. It was just as I had suspected. That was the first time I saw fear in his eyes. I was scared too.
Life became one of darkness and intense pain, of guilt and shame, of a dark secret that most people did not know about…
A part of me died with the child. Instead of being the best mother I could ever be, I turned out to be the worst, choosing to hurt my unborn child and deprive him of a chance at life. The man whom I thought would walk this journey with me was also gone.
For the first time in my life, I saw how wretched I was. All along, I thought I was a generally good person, but now, I felt that even if I were to die a million times over, I could never redeem myself from the sins I had committed.
Time heals, they say. For me, that was a lie, for my pain was not alleviated a least bit after so long. After a year and a half of crying myself to sleep almost every night, it hit me one night that there was absolutely no way I could walk out of the darkness alone. A year and a half of hopelessness, guilt, shame, bitterness and pain was more than I could bear. That night, I finally recognised I needed help, and this became the turning point in my grief.
I decided to reach out for help, and I started by walking back into church where I was swiftly surrounded by people who loved me. Part of my healing journey involved letting go of the anger and bitterness that had been simmering inside me for some years. As I received forgiveness from God, I also learnt to forgive myself. Deep down, I had always desired to know where my child was. In my faith, I found the assurance that my child was in a safe and happy place. Because of that, I could finally let go and find proper closure.
In 2015 when I was travelling in New Zealand, I came across the Buttons Project, started by Peter and Marina in 2001. The idea of sending in buttons as a memorial to my unborn child strongly resonated with me. In Marina’s words, “Through my own abortion experience, I have come to realise many women feel the same – that it can be difficult to gain any sense of closure. There is no grave to visit, no tangible way of remembering. Until now.”
I felt the same way she did. We need a tangible way of remembering.
Seeing the thousands of buttons Marina received over the years made me realise that there are many out there who have been through the same loss and grief as I did. “If only Buttons Project was in Singapore during my darkest days, when I was suffering in silence all alone, it would have helped and comforted me a lot”, I thought to myself.
It is my hope that by bringing this project to Singapore, women in the same situation will know they are not alone in this struggle, and thus find the strength to take steps towards healing.
So often we look at other people and think they have it all together.
But you never know the journey someone else has travelled.
My name is Marina and I am a New Zealander. My husband, Peter, and I have been married for 34 years, and we have three adult children. Over the years, our marriage—like everyone else’s—had its ups and downs. We also carried within our hearts a deep and secret loss; a loss which we could not grieve for or talk about openly.
Peter accompanied me to the abortion clinic, where I met with a counsellor. She agreed with my anxieties, indicated it was “for the best”, and promised to hold my hand during the procedure. I was frightened and confused but had agreed to go through with it. I was awake during the whole thing and felt the suction: it took all of 10 minutes to change my life. Although my main feeling at the time was numbness, that day is forever etched in my memory. I will never forget the other women in the recovery room crying for the babies they had lost.
A part of me died. I changed from an outgoing girl to someone who was more withdrawn, more within myself. Few people close to me knew what had happened; not my friends didn’t tell my parents. It would have been their first grandchild.
I realized quickly there was no place to openly grieve our loss. Our marriage became marked by periods of private depression when I mourned the loss of our baby. I was often distant, withdrawn. Peter too was suffering but he dealt with it inside and didn’t want to show it. He wanted to put it all behind us. We had difficulty communicating. I suffered emotionally and physically. As our family grew, I would look at our children and see their similarities and wonder which sibling our first baby would have most resembled. I still wonder. And, yes, sometimes there are still tears.
Over the past few years, however, I have grown as a person, as a wife and as a mother to my children. Peter and I were able to come to a point where we grieved together, which enabled us to move forward. I have walked a long road to grace and forgiveness—and it is because of this healing that I can now talk about it openly. The abortion experience has never left me, and for years I have wondered how to give other women like myself a safe place to grieve; how to give them away to commemorate the babies lost. For there is no grave we can visit, no place to lay flowers, no tangible way of remembering them.
Then I came across the story of the Paper Clip Project, and the idea for the Buttons Project was born. My journey of healing has led to strength and hope—and a passion to help others who have been through a similar experience. Sending in a button or a story won’t heal anyone in and of itself, but it is a place to start….or one of many steps for someone already on the journey to healing.
I named our aborted baby, “Hope”. Hope for the future; hope to be a good mum, wife and friend: hope to make a positive difference in this world. And so I have started the project by giving a button. It is for my baby, Hope, and for me. It is for hope in the future and peace with the past. It is for closure, and to commemorate something that was a part of us.
